Two months ago today we walked down to the hospital to have this amazing little boy. I was numbly confident. I was ready. I’d read the books, taken the classes and got mounds of advice from friends and family (wanted or unwanted) I knew everything.

Or so I thought.

We had been ready for months in anticipation. The nursery was ready. We had all the gadgets, clothes, blankets. Stacks of nappies and wipes. Toiletries enough to last him till he’s 4 years old.

It took them 3 minutes from the first incision for him to be born and after what felt like seconds he was gone. A trip to NICU while I lay on the ward, alone and strapped to my bed. I was empty and sore. I felt lost listening to the other mothers and their babies. I felt like the last 9 months had been a dream and in fact I didn’t have a baby. It had all just been a big mistake. Given that I didn’t get to go and see him till the next evening I was slightly terrified. The first time I held him properly in my arms and looked at his little sleeping face it dawned on me. I came crashing down to earth with an almighty emotional thud. I have a baby. This tiny fragile little person will rely on me to keep him alive. But hold on, what do I do? This is so hard. I’ve been so naive. 

I. Knew. Nothing.

But the love. You will reach an emotional level you never knew you were capable of. He showed me that I can love so fiercely it’s almost raw. It’s primitive and instinctual. Your heart will be so full you think your chest might actually burst from the pressure. And it’s that love that will drive you and guide you. It’s the love that will teach you to be the best you can be. Not the books or the classes. The weight of this love is so heavy it serves as a constant reminder that no matter what you do you’re doing the best you can.

Everyone said that being a parent would be one of the hardest things you will ever do. You won’t get any sleep. You’ll fight with your partner. Eating? Showering? Forget it. But this little boy is amazing. I’d be lying if I said there hasn’t been times where it’s been hard but I can count them easily on one hand. I set myself up for the worst and I was surprised to find that in fact it wasn’t as bad as everyone made out. I went into parenthood with open arms. My life hasn’t changed because I had a baby. The only difference now is that I have an adorable little sidekick. And I can’t wait to show him the world. To watch him learn and grow. To be excited, to be sad. To have major meltdowns. I’m ready to learn all over again through his eyes. My life has opened up again. 

This little boy was all I ever wanted and I never even realised. I don’t feel lost anymore because this is what I was made to do. This is the most exciting journey I will ever take in my life and I couldn’t be more grateful to him for showing me. For showing me the best version of myself. For showing me that life does have a meaning. For showing me a love that’s so deep and so pure you can’t possibly understand it until you have walked down this road.

And so I have to say the last two months have truly been to best of my life and although I can’t wait for the future. Please little Devon, stop growing so fast.